We're going to the chapel and we're gonna get divorced

I bitch, therefore I am

The blog has returned. After several requests to revitalize the blog, I decided it was time to show the world my potential to be a bitch again. Upon re-reading old posts, I would like to go ahead and apologize for the copious amounts of grammatical mistakes and the overarching lameness that many of the posts possessed. With that being said, I can assure you these will be much more articulated, extremely politically incorrect and quite clever.

This first rant idea came from Kaitlin Stock.

_____________________________________________________________________

As an official Facebook stalker, I keep tabs on all of your relationships (yeah, yours.) I watch your relationships become open ones that inevitably end in singledom. I see the pictures you post of you drunkenly making out with some guy that suddenly becomes your new boyfriend and even faster becomes your fiancé. Oh but wait, you’re single again…for a moment, with a lame facebook status to accompany it. And then as if nothing happened, you’re engaged again. I question any engagement that shows its faults through Facebook, but more importantly that happens when you’re only twenty years old.

It seems like in the past year there has been a mad dash to getting engaged. Engaged! I don’t even want to start thinking about marriage until I’m thirty. I’m sorry, but what do you know about yourself at twenty and twenty-one, absolutely nothing my friends. I hardly know what I want for dinner or where I want to go tonight and those will be the hardest decisions I have to make today.

Premature Engagers!
It’s always the people who have been dating for about eight months that get engaged early, because they are “so in love”. You haven’t even had time to figure out all the things that bother you about the other person and considering you will probably get divorced after a year or so, I’m sure there are probably a lot.

Virgins!
The people who pledge the abstinence card tend to get married early. They’ll tell you they are getting married for other reasons, but you know it’s really because they are horny bastards and just want to have sex. Sex is not worth getting married for, EVER. Plus, you’re wedding night is really going to let you down. It’s going to be a painful two-minute pump and chump. I’m just saying, it’s cute you have morals and values, but one day you’re going to realize that it was pretty stupid to wait—especially when you realize your relationship is wrought with problems since you’re only together because you wanted to get laid.

Those affiliated with the military!
Why? Why is it always someone who is dating a guy in the Marines, Army, Navy, etc. that is getting married at nineteen or twenty? I’m sure it all goes to the fact that the husband to be is going to Iraq soon and wants someone to write home to and someone who loves them. But man, if I was going to Iraq and was a guy, I would be doing mad bitches until the day I left, then would go pork a lot of hot Iraqi women (despite the fact that Muslims don’t practice pre-martial sex). However, I can see where the guy is coming from, the girl though? Why would they go along with that? Oh hey, lets get married right before I get deployed, then you can sit around for a year or so while I’m gone and you can’t see anyone else. Great idea. Sign me up right now!

If I still had my Courtship and Marriage textbook, I could bust out some solid statistics on early marriages, but alas I don’t. I do remember though that the bottom line of all of them was that the divorce rate for young marriages is between 70-80 percent. Awesome, you can be a divorcee by 23! Hot.

The biggest problem I have with young marriages is the fact that you’re most likely poor.

When I get married, I expect a giant rock! I don’t want some discount ring from Ross Simmons. It doesn’t necessarily have to be covered in diamonds, it just needs to be fabulous and at twenty you can hardly afford the dollar menu at McDonalds. And as much fun as going into debt over a mediocre wedding would be, I don’t think it would be. Oh cute, mommy and daddy helped you pay for the ring and the wedding? Classy. I want to pay for my own wedding (I'm sure most people are going to disagree with that part) and my husband pay for my ring, so I can get what I want and not have to use plastic flowers and cheap food because we couldn’t afford better. (One of the weddings that I catered at St. Michael’s had plastic flower arrangements and uncovered plastic chairs at the tables; it was awful.) Maybe I’m just materialistic, but that doesn’t sound like a dream wedding to me; it sounds like a cop out.

My last irk goes to all those promise rings out there. First and foremost, those Irish Promise Rings (which I don’t see given a lot anymore, thank God) are ugly as shit. If I were given that as a promise ring, I would promise to never wear it. The promise rings I see more often look more like engagement rings and what I get from it is that the guy is promising to marry the girl, but isn’t proposing yet. Which translates for me as, “I don’t want you to do other guys and have to worry about you, so you’re on lockdown mode with this, without me really have to make a commitment.” By all means give me jewelry, but I don’t want promises.

Go ahead get married before you can even legally drink at your own wedding, go ahead and have boring missionary sex every night, go ahead realize you made a giant mistake and go ahead and get divorced before you can legally rent a car because it’s love and nothing can come between it; the rest of us would never understand. I rather be single and drowning in my own bills and problems than that and someone else’s. Maybe I’m jaded and bitter, but I do not envy your life for a minute.

(the only young marriage I could possibly condone is Amanda and Josh's because those freaks really are meant for each other)