I'm gonna dress you up in my love, in my love.

This one is going to be extra, extra, extra bitchy...so you've been forewarned.

It's now officially April and in Greenville that means two things: The rain won't subside until May and girls all across campus will finally take off their sweatpants and attempt to dress themselves. I figured now more than ever would be a good time to post my annual bitchy fashion post.

Ladies, there are some things we need to discuss...

First off, I understand you're excited to bust out your mini skirts again (which will be discussed later), but pairing them with your Ugg boots because it isn't completely warm enough yet, isn't okay. I'm not sure if you realized, but those two represent different seasons. And I'm fairly certain that if it's warm enough to put on a mini skirt, we won't be seeing snow fall. So put them back in your closet until next fall! Same goes with wearing Uggs with dresses and shorts (especially cheerleading shorts--what the fuck, people?).

The issue of leggings...
Hi, leggings aren't pants. I'm not really interested in seeing your camel toe as I haul ass to Joyner East. Leggings in general are awful and that "trend" has long since passed, but if you still insist on wearing them, put on a dress or skirt please.

Last time I checked shirts were shirts and dresses were dresses, the two weren't interchangeable. (Well, I guess you can wear a dress as a shirt, but not vice versa.)
I get it, you're going downtown and TOTES are going to take like 10 tequila shots, hump all over some dumb frat guy, spill your drink on some bystander, scream for no reason, and just be like so totally awesome. But what are you wearing? As much as I appreciate your attempt to do something different, that tube top you stretched down over you ass is really unattractive and quite frankly giving me a show I didn't pay for. But, I'm sure that tool you're dancing with, who has now pulled your dress up to your waist, really likes it and that's what matters.

Muffin Top City!
I know, you're in denial about the weight you gained over Christmas break and never let go of, but sweetheart don't punish your pants just because you couldn't resist that extra Krispy Kreme Donut. Know your pant size and wear it! You know how I know you're pretending your skinnier than you are? Well, that giant muffin top that has formed above your jeans kind of gives it away. When you wear jeans that don't fit you, you actually look fatter and extremely disproportional. Not to mention, it's severely uncomfortable. I was there once too (too many desserts in the dinning hall Freshmen year) and the whole time you're in class you have to keep adjusting them so you can breathe. So do your waist, your pants and your overall appearance a big favor and buy the right sized pants. K, thanks.

I am confused by this one.
Bulky jewelry with bulky jewelry. Forever 21 finally opened in Raleigh and all the jewelry is $6.50, so time to stock up, but dear God don't wear them all on the same day. You can not wear huge earrings with a huge necklace. I really thought that was commonsense, but every day I see a lot of girls wearing just that. You see, it's a weight balance kind of thing. When you pair them together, you put all your weight at your neck, everything else becomes invisible and you appear top heavy. Balance it out, yo!

Mini Skirts!
Kathryn squared already disagreed with me on this, but I stand by it. Mini skirts are geared at teenagers, so if you're over the age of twenty it's time to give yours away. (Haven't you noticed they are only sold at AE, Aero, A&F & Hollister--all stores targeted at a younger demographic) But if you want to look sixteen, by all means keep wearing them and even better, don't wear underwear.

Skinny Jeans!
Unless you look like Kathryn Ellis, you should not be wearing skinny jeans--especially if you have a huge ass. You need to have long, SKINNY legs to wear them, otherwise you look like a lollipop. And the "I think I'm the bitch from Rilo Kiley" look is really working for you, you should all keep that up.

And finally to end with a little comment on hair...
Why is your hair bleached blond on the top and fake black on the bottom? Why? Where in your brain did you think that that look would be becoming on you? For riz, what the hell? I mean, hair naturally looks like that all the time, so what an obvious dye job to get. Next time you go back to your hair dresser, punch them in the face for letting them do that to your hair. Any decent hair dresser would talk you out doing something that awful. Nothing looks cooler than when you have your hair in a ponytail and running perpendicular to your head is the stark contrast of fake, fake, fake hair. So hot! I'm doing that next time I dye my hair.


I hope you enjoyed my bitching and that it makes you think twice about your wardrobe decisions! I thought writing about fashion would be a better idea than actually studying for my merchandising test and doing merchandising homework. By all means, if anyone actually reads this and you have some sort of defense for one the above topics, I would love to hear it, comment away! (no one is going to comment.)