THAT GUY-the universally known and hated guy

I found this as I was going through some old Word documents. I wrote this last spring for my Creative Non-Fiction class. We got to write a rant as our first assignment and we had a "that guy" in that class, so it was dedicated to him. Wherever you are Todd, you were crazy and I hope you have finally figured out what a "scene" is, because you certainly caused a lot of them.


“You know, I think the meaning of this film lies within gravity itself.” What? What did you just say? Did that even make sense? No! No, it certainly did not. And why is that? Because you’re THAT GUY. Sitting there in every college class ever taken, ten rows back and slightly out of view, is the boy everyone hates.

Every class period, THAT GUY will stroll in several minutes late, dressed in a way he believes impresses the class, when in reality no one cares. Then only seconds later, when he realizes that we are discussing our recent reading assignment or written assignment, will he feel the need to contribute how he felt about it. It will be long and drawn out, chalk full of pompous remarks and most of all the ever so blatant truth that he has no idea what the assignment was about.

You see, there is a difference between a slacker who is merely bullshitting his way through class and the kid labeled as THAT GUY. THAT GUY is actually unintelligent, but unlike most unintelligent people, he thinks he is inspiring, intuitive even, and most of all far more competent than any other class mate, when he is none of those things. THAT GUY is a guy who doesn’t make good grades, but wants everyone to think he does. He’s a guy who wants people to think he is held in the highest regard and that every girl wants him, but really the only girl he ever had sex with was the fat chick in his algebra class his senior year in high school.

THAT GUY will take every opportunity to open his mouth and boast about a past achievement that he feels makes his worthy of everyone’s respect and admiration. But the fascinating truth behind the lives of all those THAT GUYS out there is that their life is pathetic, lonely and most of all wrapped in the illusion of success and acuity.

To all the THAT GUYS out there, I hate you; everyone hates you. Your persistence to appear more than you are is dismaying. More people might like you, you might be seen as a decent human being, and you might even be able to learn something, if for just a second you could shut your mouth.