Bragging Rights

On this very day 2 years ago I posted a rant called "Shit man, I am sooo drunk!" The rant basically dealt with the issue of boys who count their beers (so cool) and I decided it needed to be revisited again.

My new detox diet doesn't allow for complete alcoholic binge fests anymore (my attempt to regain some level of dignity), so I have spent the past few weekends sober or atleast...mostly sober. I've noticed though that it appears that none of us have grown up. Two years ago, I bitched that guys defined their manliness through telling everyone how many beers they drank and it they are still doing it.

This past weekend Burch was approached by some guy who told her, "Man, I just had SEVEN beers and I even pre-gamed!" Burch pulled her best bitch card and spoke to him way over his head and then sufficiently humored him..."No way, that's crazy! Can you even see right now?"

One time Burch and I tagged team this guy who was bragging to us about his beer consumption. "You guys have no idea. I just had 18 beers! I've been drinking ALL night." We told him only real men count their beers and we were really impressed. He must be a real bad ass. He didn't get that we were making fun of him, but I suppose that's what happens when you're "SOOO DRUNK!"

Two years later and I still don't get it. Is there really a girl out there that is impressed by some guy who pounds down 20 cans of shitty Busch Light? (Damn Johnny, you're the best beer drinker here. You wanna go fuck?) It's not happening fellas. Wanting to glamorize your night because you spent it playing Halo with your brahs because you couldn't get any "play," shouldn't be done through bragging about those brewskies you totally crushed. If you're gonna lie or brag about asinine things, at least make it entertaining. "She totally wanted me and wouldn't stop hanging all over me. I'm gonna send her a facebook poke later, for sure. She wanted it, needed it, even." I mean...I'm still gonna stand there, nod away like I'm listening and am really impressed and then give you the "wow, that's so cool" eyebrow lift, but at least you were a little less generic. (kind of...not really). But don't you worry, your entire speech will be repeated the next morning during the Bo's Weekend Recap Vag Fest and then at least four other girls will think you're "cool" then too.

Why don't you put your big boys pants on, belt included, and realize no one cares. If you're the one who drank two beers and needs to sit down, the kid puking in the bathroom from the fifty second keg stand, the dude embarrassing himself by hitting on a "total ten" or the guy drinking O'Doul's, I DON"T CARE! I'M NOT IMPRESSED! I DON'T THINK YOU HAVE MASSIVE BALLS! I DON'T WANT TO FUCK YOU! Instead, inside is ever growing feeling of pity for you and the fact that your ego must be so bruised that you have to tell some stranger that you have a drinking problem (two hands and only one mouth! BAHHH HILARIOUS!) Can I graduate yet?