Top Ten Things Junior Year Taught Me

Since this year is only one week from ending--thank god--I am going to recreate this blog post. It took me a week to write this and not because it is extremely well written or funny. I just had a really hard time thinking of things I learned, kind of sad.

1. Tequila gets you into trouble:
Burch and I both experienced a night together last semester that we coined as "the worst night of our lives," for very separate reasons, but it will haunt us for a long time and tequila was entirely to blame. Tequila makes me yell at grad students for some reason. Tequila makes me send text messages that I should not send. Tequila makes me dance when we go downtown (that's a terrible idea). Tequila makes me have pow wows in bathrooms at parties and confess things I shouldn't. Tequila has never made me do anything I'm proud of and yet, I continue to drink it on a regular basis. I love you, Jose.

2. Friends with benefits does not work:
I already knew this. And yet, I thought it would be a good idea to prove this to myself two more times. Also, don't give speeches about it. Those 120 people who heard it are going to find you on campus, on the bus or downtown. I can't tell you how many times I have been met with someone saying, "You're the girl who gave...." Yeah, that's me. I regret it, please leave me alone. How in the hell do you remember me? It was months ago, let's all just forget it ever happened. And no, that doesn't mean I want to have sex with you, but that's really cute. I guess you lose your dignity and all respect when you admit to things of that nature. Never again.

3. Living in University Suites can be titillating:
At least once a week, I hear gun shots and sirens as I'm falling asleep. It keeps things interesting, to say the least. When all the worst drivers aren't on Greenville Boulevard, they are driving in our complex. With the warm weather comes the roaches. Lots of them. They make for lovely decorative items on our linoleum floor. The neighbors you don't know will steal your pong table. The train will vibrate your bed, while the garbage men shake the giant dumpsters and the yard guys mow the grass at 7 a.m. You will hear when your neighbors and roommates have sex (we were probably already listening...I mean, what?). And lastly, if you live on the third floor, you will sweat the entire winter, while the person on the first floor freezes. In the summer it is the exact opposite. But this place is a godsend after a year at University Manor, so I'll take the roaches, sweating and bed vibrations.


4. PJ doesn't smell even after five months:
We threw a Halloween party this year and made about 18 gallons of PJ and we were left with at least six gallons afterwards. So we spent the next five days drinking the remainders and it still wasn't gone. After a total of six days of PJ, you get kind of sick of it and the fruit starts to taste really bad, so instead of dumping it out, we just put the lid back on the container we made it in and stuck it on the porch. Thanksgiving, Christmas and Valentine's Day came and went. Finally, when we had to go buy a new container to make Whamboozie for my birthday, we looked out at the porch and remembered we still had PJ from Halloween. I opened it and mold hadn't formed and it looked the same as it had the day we threw it out there. So I totally drank it and got wasted. Kidding, we threw it out, finally. But I was surprised to not be greeted with some new strand of fungus.

5. Don't attack Jewish boys in bars:
This past fall, I made a trip up to UNC to see Mattie, Justin and Badders. I decided to make it a tequila night (see side effects above) and we decided to go to Yeats. (I'm OK with Yeats. However, when we had gone there before some guy had tried to convince me that he and his friend had been on Legends of the Hidden temple. When he failed to tell me that the giant rock's name was Omeck, I knew he was lying.) I ended up drinking entirely too much tequila before we even left. When we got downtown, the first thing I did was harass two guys wearing crushed velvet jackets. Then Drew bargained his way in for us and once we got in, Morgan and I went and sat in an out cove, where much to our surprise was a guy wearing a yarmulke. Morgan looked over and said, "Look, there's a jew for you." I became estatic. I jumped up, knocked over this entire table of drinks these people were drinking and sat right next to him. I then badgered him all about his jew-ness for about 10 minutes. Every word that came out of my mouth, he inched closer and closer to the wall. He told me his name was Mordecai, but I'm calling bullshit. However, he was orthodox and I kept confusing their traditions with hasidic Jews and then profusely apologized after asking where his payes and fur trimmed hat were. He escaped shortly thereafter. When we left for the night, Ellis and I ran up Franklin Street screaming, "Fuck the Tarheels, ARGGHH" at anyone who passed by us, including 40 year old joggers. It was a great night, but I guess Jewish boys aren't looking to be attacked by shiksas who pretend to be Jewish. BAH!

6. I am never having a child:
As a nursing student, Stock spent this semester working with babies, preg women, and pre/post natal schenenigans. She of course would come back and report what she had seen that day to us. I will spare you all the gruesome details that come with child birth and pregnancy, but it is not for me. I spent countless hours gasping and holding my hand over my mouth trying not to vomit from all the horror stories of vag expansion, table shitting and mysterious goo. If schools want to prevent teen pregnancy, they just need to start giving details of it all. I want to go get my tubes tied right now. If I mistakenly get pregnant and don't "zap" it (mildly offensive? no.), I just want to be put into a coma until it is all over.

7. The flu is very fun:
Every year when people asked if I had gotten my flu shot I would say, "No, but I've never gotten the flu shot and I've never gotten the flu. So I'm good." Not this year my friends. It was a 21st birthday present for me. And let me just say after a week of more Law and Order SUV then anyone should watch and multiple packets of hot dogs, I was 8 pounds heavier and less of a person. It was hands down one of the worst weeks of my life. But I'm still not getting my flu shot, I mean, it worked the other twenty years of my life. Plus, I bet I'll be craving some hot dogs and rape cases come next February anyway.

8. Tanning beds: they're still gross:
I have refused to go to tanning beds my entire life. I didn't like the idea of baking in a box, having a lovely orange glow and the fact that my entire family has been plagued with skin cancer. I even ridiculed all of my friends who went to them. And then one day back in February I became a hypocrite. You see, I bought this red dress for my birthday. You can't be pale and wear red. It doesn't work. So I figured that since our complex offers free tanning, I would just go a few times. The first time wasn't too bad. Hell, it was almost relaxing. The next time I got over zealous and went a few minutes too long. Eh, nothing a two day break can't fix. The third time I emerged red, burned, covered in bulb lines, pissed and even more convinced that tanning beds are indeed gross. The lines and burn faded in time for my birthday, but I was greatly scarred by my moment of hypocrisy. I now turn to a five dollar bottle of Vaseline sunless tanner and it works just fine. And maybe some days I am orange, but it goes well with my hair.

9. Suddenly Single Slut Syndrome:
Contributed by Mattie, but I agree. It exists, grabs a hold, is the reason for #2 and always ends badly. We all have to do it sometime, right? (humor me?) You live, you learn (insert Alanis Morissette lyrics here) and we all came out OK. Next topic...

10. FINALLY: I enjoy ECU football games and am willing to drink beer:
I missed freshmen year football season because I was at UNC-G, but I still made it to the ECU homecoming game. However, I left at halftime. Sophomore year, I didn't go to any games. I usually went home on game day weekends. I couldn't care less if we won or lost. This year the first game we went to I was bored and sat there and complained (shro style, of course). After that game, I snuck my way into the Pirate Club Section and never looked back. When the girls wanted to leave early, I would try to find someone else who wanted to stay the rest of the game with me. ZB and I dance all across the bleachers and I even yell inappropriate things. For senior year, I'm actually going to buy a Pirate Club pass and look forward to playing the Snatch association game all over again. As for the beer...this is ground breaking. In high school, J. flare taught me how to drink with vodka and everclear. I never saw beer as a possibility; I thought it tasted disgusting. When I left for college, everyone told me I would start drinking beer. It didn't happen and I held strong to my penchant for liquor. It wasn't until a few weeks ago that I finally gave in. I got sick of seeing everyone getting bottles of beer at 519 for a dollar, when I had to shell out atleast four for a measly cranberry vodka. I realize me drinking beer is kind of like, "what's the big fucking deal?" But believe me, the reactions I've already gotten from my friends, speak loudly to the fact that it is kind of a big fucking deal. Kind of like me. ;)

I wonder what I'll learn next year...